


One Swallow Does Not a Summer Make

by lullabelle



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, Kid Fic, M/M, Mpreg, Not Children of Earth Compliant, The Author Regrets Nothing, redisourcolor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-19
Updated: 2011-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-07 11:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle/pseuds/lullabelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and Ianto start a family together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Swallow Does Not a Summer Make

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for redisourcolor, but never submitted. Not CoE compliant. Beta'd by heddychaa.

"And what are these?" Ianto accusingly shook the box of condoms in Jack's face.

"Banana-flavored!" Jack grinned. "Bananas are good."

"Hmph. Well, I prefer strawberry." Ianto pouted, and Jack rolled his eyes at him as he went to put away the rest of his paper bag of groceries. If Ianto was being honest with himself, he was just perturbed that Jack insisted on using them. For everything. Even after Ianto had jabbed Jack with a needle and performed the STI test himself -- and it wasn't like he could get pregnant. Forget strawberry-flavored, he wanted _Jack_ flavored.

Jack was always holding him at arm's length, even if that arm was only as thick as latex.

Jack opened the box and, with a wink, spirited one of the little plastic squares away in his pocket for later use.

***

Six hours later, Ianto was kneeling in the usual position, thinking maybe this time Jack would let him taste, when suddenly Jack's hand materialized by his ear, offering up the little banana flavored inconvenience.

Ianto decided it was time to dig his heels in. It wasn't like Jack was going to refuse him now. "Unless you give me a solid reason, I'm not using that."

"Iaaaaanto." Jack wailed piteously at the ceiling. And he was pitiful looking; shirt undone, trousers open.

"No."

"Fine." Jack let the condom fall to the floor. "But you should probably spit."

***

Four weeks later, Ianto was eating an ice cream cone. He usually hated ice cream, but it seemed that lately he couldn't get enough of it. He should probably lay off, though; it was making him fat.

***

Eight weeks later, Ianto was staring down at a home pregnancy test in utter disbelief. It had to be wrong.

When he brought it to Jack's office to show him, Jack merely shrugged, engrossed in his paperwork. "I told you not to swallow."

"How is this even possible?"

"Life will find a way, Ianto." Jack told him solemnly, finally looking up from the leaflet in front of him. Now that he was closer, Ianto could see that it was actually an informational pamphlet on sexual harassment in the workplace, circa 1965. "Life will find a way.”

“I'm not giving birth to a velociraptor, Jack.”

“That's a shame. Myfanwy could use the company. Also, we'll want to talk to Owen to schedule a C-section, because if you think passing a kidney stone is bad... hoo-boy."

***

Nine months later and Owen sliced Ianto open like fileted flounder,while Jack stood nearby to receive their squalling daughter.

Jack marveled at her tiny little hands. She had Ianto's hair and Jack's eyes.

He named her Harknessa Jones. Behind him, Owen stapled Ianto up and bitched about what was and was not included in his job description.

***

Eighteen months later Jack and Ianto took Harknessa to the beach for the first time. They discovered, thank God, that she'd inherited Jack's immortality after taking a header into a rocky tidal pool. Jack couldn't have been prouder, really.

Once she'd been thoroughly exhausted, Harknessa settled down for a nap on an oversized beach towel, nestled safely between her two dads. Jack took the opportunity to check out the... ahem... _scenery_. Ianto slathered sunscreen on his scarred stomach and tried to wish away the baby weight.

***

Five years later.

“But Da, all the other kids get to bring their pets to school!”

“Help me pick it up. Now,” Ianto said sternly. Jack somehow always managed to avoid these moments.

With a disgruntled shriek, Harknessa kicked a square of dark chocolate into the gutter and began helping her father pick up the trail she'd laid from the Hub to the bus stop.

***

Ten years later, Jack began taking Harknessa to work regularly, since it wasn't like she could be killed. Regular school was wasted on her, Jack insisted. She was teaching herself to speak Weevil.

"She's a little girl!" Ianto argued. "She should have friends her own age -- and species."

"I'm going to ignore the xenophobia in that comment, Ianto. Anyway, she may be a little girl, but she's not exactly a normal little girl."

Ianto groaned. “Why can't she be normal? Why couldn't she have inhereted my _normal_?”

Jack rolled his eyes and retorted, "I'm just glad she didn't inherit your body hair."

Ianto didn't say anything. He'd always though Jack liked his body hair.

***

Seventeen years later, Harknessa told Ianto, "I'm joining the Time Agency, Dad!"

Ianto thought that was an awful idea, but he had long since learned that resistance was futile. "Bring a sweater," he advised.

***

Twenty-two years later, Jack introduced Ianto to the new Torchwood Archivist. He was handsome, quiet, and looked good in a suit. Ianto gave him his well-wishes, and a piece of friendly advice:

"Whatever you do: spit."


End file.
